Une journée à l'Ambassade de France au Nyamangwa .JPG)
A Day at the Embassy of France in Nyamangwa You are
Third Secretary, Embassy of France in Nyamangwa.
5h 30: You are awakened by gunfire and rocket attacks in the northern districts of the city.
6h 15: You notice that the generator in your home, running continuously for two weeks (there is in fact never common in the neighborhood you live) has passed away. You try in vain to repair under the mocking eye on your guard.
7h 15: Unable lack of current, raise the water in the tank on your roof, you wash in the garden with a stream of water exiting the hose. Your breakfast is reduced to a warm Fanta and two papaya.
8h 00: As you head towards the embassy, local people greet you in the way chosen by the jeers, insults varied, spitting and throwing stones. A few meters from the Chancery, a police officer arrest you for violating a traffic that does not exist in a state of local tradition, in an apparent attempt to get you a pot of wine . You brandish your diplomatic passport but, finding that someone, illiterate, is threatening and points his gun at you, you prefer to sell.
8h 30: Arriving at the Embassy, you battle your way through the motley crowd and vociferous of visa applicants and come down to your office, you become aware of the local press, which mainly announcement that "under Secretary of State team visited the province of Lower Ngwazo to encourage the masses excited to continue building the Nyamangwa democratic. " In accordance with the instructions of the Ambassador, which requires the matching of job increases each year by 20% compared to production the previous year, you're about to write a detailed dispatch.
9h 00: The Encryptor gives you the collection of telegrams. The Department asks you to do the same day and at the highest level, an approach to obtain the Nyamangwa support the candidacy of Mr. Linconnu, French scholar, as president of the International Office for the Protection of Worms silk. Your telegram requesting a part to repair the cooling system of the Embassy remains, despite repeated reminders, no response.
9 30: Trying hard to join the Ministry of Foreign Affairs nyamangwais, but you realize that communications are routinely cut off after a few seconds. Then you go there with your own car (the car of mail being used exclusively by the wife of Ambassador). You are received after a long wait for an obscure assistant deputy chief of protocol, which tells you smugly that you can not see any official of the Ministry of Foreign Affairs without taking an appointment one month from the advance.
11h 30: More morning than usual, Ambassador arrives at the Embassy and, after having emptied half a bottle of Johnny Walker, complaining of climate particularly emollient Nyamangwa, convened the weekly meeting. He treats the vice-consul "con dangerous," recalls the cultural attaché at the residence Nyamangwa does not exempt, to the knowledge of wearing a tie and was surprised that the wife of Commercial Attaché will be allowed to sulk raw tea held two days earlier by his wife.
Then it asks you to serve on the cipher that it is required to proceed with urgency to repair the residence stereo down since yesterday, before launching into a detailed description of some achievements made during a stay in Tonkin from March to September 1947, followed by a very interesting reflection on the administration of the territory of Regibat looters of Mauritania, with a eulogy touched many qualities of women in this tribe.
13h 45: Ambassador adjourned thoughtfully stroking the back of his jacket, on which a rosette withers hard-won to the indifference of his countrymen, and then invited by his Belgian colleague (the only one He understands the language) to an extended weekend at the seaside, you left to your fate for four days.
14h 00: While you are about to leave the Embassy, Mr. Lembrouille, a French citizen refugee Nyamangwa following trouble with the French justice and formerly co-owner of the bar at night "The Pigall's, appears at the consulate in a state close to the alcoholic coma and requires immediate issue of a long stay visa on the passport brand new Marie-Felicite Kado, notorious prostitute whom he introduces as his future wife. The vice-consul refused to comply, it follows a fairly sharp exchange of words, Mr. Lembrouille attending the official "poor scribbler of shit, eat too happy with the money of taxpayers," the vice-consul of treating Mr. Lembrouille "rag AIDS patient and bougnoulisée.
The two protagonists come to blows. Alerted by their cries, you separate the combatants and pray Mr. Lembrouille to leave the consulate. It runs with a bad grace, not without having announced that he will not fail to bring the matter to inform the Department (which he will, naturally, taking care to minimize the incident to a version very personal).
14h 30: Your generator has still not been repaired, you take your courage in both hands and go lunch at Chez Slimane. You order a plate of rice and fish, with which you feel is prudent, however, does not get better acquainted. You prepare to begin your third papaya the day when the security guard comes to warn you that the young Lepaumé, Volunteers, was arrested by police while he was in possession of 500 grams of hashish and $ 2,500 , produced a parallel exchange made with a regime opponent in place.
15h 00: You load once the vice-consul to assist the young Lepaumé (which risks being sentenced to death) and to start, equipped with substantial bribes, kickbacks, negotiations with police officers and justice nyamangwaise. The guard being unable, for technical reasons, to send off the telegram that you're eager to write for the Department, you enter your walkie-talkie to call the encryptor; it, owner very indebted to a princely residence under construction in his native village, inhabited by saving measure in a slum located about twenty kilometers from downtown.
binding being disrupted by a sandstorm nuisance, unless it is the presence of numerous permanent buildings between the Embassy and residence of the encryptor you decide to go with him personally.
15h 35: Entering the hut of the cipher, you catch it with three local beauties, including the oldest seems to have not yet attained twelve years and after you have poured into apologies, pray for interrupt his nap and join the Embassy.
16h 30: The encryptor waives spend your telegram Now, the transmission being made impossible by the difficulties of propagation. A vague feeling of abandonment you hugged briefly.
17h 00: The Vice-Consul lets you know that the young Lepaumé, which surprised not benefit from diplomatic immunity, is likely to be sentenced to life imprisonment for drug trafficking and illegal possession of foreign currency. Thinking about that moment that your schedule for the next three months - time to deport the person concerned, is largely completed. You do however remove any feeling satisfaction.
17h 25: You regain your home and find that your stock is thawed perishable and therefore doomed to rapid decay. Three drops of hot water escaping from your garden hose does not allow you to perform your ablutions, you just change the shirt and get ready to represent France at a cocktail hosted by the Minister of Information of Nyamangwa in honor of the 10th anniversary of his country's entry into the "Union of Bordering the Ulele.
18h 30: During the reception, members of the diplomatic corps spread in uncomplimentary comments on daily life and deplore Nyamangwa, citing anecdotes moult, incompetence and negligence of local domestic helpers. While you desperately try to use the buffet, your Chinese colleague - who is fluent in five languages vernacular Nyamangwa but hardly ever comes out of its embassy - hounds to get you the information you could possibly have on the tour made in the province of Lower Ngwazo by Deputy Secretary of State for Works, event, reported in the press would be significant according to him the political evolution of Nyamangwa. You get rid of the importunate in questioning the role of China in the process of German reunification.
19h 40: You leave the reception after managing to grab a handful of roasted peanuts and head back to the Embassy. You will find the secretary of the Ambassador, robust fifties, extremely depressed by the departure of his colleague from the Red Cross, to which it was, it seems, very committed. Despite the consolation that you lavish on him, she left the Embassy into tears and announces that "something might happen to him soon and faster than previously thought," adding that "anyway, everyone did not care." After briefly consulting the instructions on the repatriation of French dead, you start looking for a place to dine.
20h 05: Sitting at the table "Tropical," you taste of papaya fritters fried in oil drain nearby garage, while the last decibel success of Michael Jackson pour into the room. Undertaken by a creature who steatopygous gratifies you with a smile venereum that is missing some teeth, you acknowledge that you have him barely enough to pay for your meal. She retired in heart-cons, not without having your manhood questioned. A leper is to follow, makes you regret bitterly the donuts you just swallow.
You stagger out of the Tropical and are assailed by a pack of kids screaming, clinging to your clothes, claiming to have kept your car and require payment for their services. You scatter the fist, before entering your vehicle (including the lock has been forced) and start under a hail of stones.
21h 20: As you enter in your street, plunged into darkness, forcing you miss a checkpoint just be installed. Believing your last arrival time, you turn off your lights, turn on the lamp and hurried out of the hands in the air in your vehicle. While the soldiers were excited about to shoot you down immediately, the leader of the squad, whose breath reeks of alcohol, gently pressed the barrel of his gun to your temple and began an interrogation which you fail to understand drop.
You show persuasive and, as a token of goodwill, you present your contact your watch, your lighter, your cigarettes, your spare tire and all the cash you have in-roll you. Well you are able to temper the heat of the deadly leader of the squad and enjoying the lively discussions that occur at the division of spoils, you dodge without asking your left.
22h 05: Arrived at home, you turn not without difficulty a kerosene lamp and empty your last bottle of gin to get over your emotions. A sweet torpor invades you gradually and, lulled by the firing of rockets into northern districts resume and cover the buzz of mosquitoes thirsty blood, you fall asleep populated dreams. You see in the distance zodiacs of the Navy who, waving the blue waters of the boundless sea, you come providentially to snatch a home you already regret the compensation ...
roland Brejon
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